The following packet was written by Hayden Hurst. Please direct any comments here.

Simpsons Packet III - The Homeric Odyssey

This pack is sort of strange, as you will see
In fair Evanston, where we lay our scene,
For this theme, players, by the royal we,
Rhymes moderated well below the mean.
Ignore all others - see our Tavern Moe's!
And Jebediah's well-known pot and fife.
Within two and twenty tossups rhyming goes,
For, as you must do see, I have no life.
Entreat for peace using a pure white dove,
Cower, quiver, appeal to a fearful mage
Or leave - but those who stay might just to prove
Their Simpsons know-how, and appear quite the sage.
We begin - please quiet and attend,
Just twenty-two questions until the end.

Toss-Ups

Flanders, Bart, and Homer all,
Are some of the people this fate to befall.
Steal a pie, urge one to recycle,
Request some dogs or be at a party till
You've worn out your welcome, and then, for ten points,
What will old Burns send to gnaw on your joints?

ANSWER : The _HOUNDS_
Admiral Byrd beat this group to the Pole,
Bart wants to resurrect and make them whole.
With them, Nelson may mix with science - just might,
And Homer thinks you can see them in the night,
So for ten points - yes, even if your bored,
Name the namesakes of a hospital ward.

ANSWER : _THREE STOOGES_
Laddy did saved him from a bit of danger,
Maggie doesn't like him - she is no stranger.
If you don't think that you surely know him now,
I'll give you a last clue - he has one eyebrow.
To an ex-president also was the name given,
So for ten, if you know it, simply do buzz in.

ANSWER : _GERALD_
His first TV appearance includes a Swede,
Another time on the tube he to a pageant pays heed.
His craft he learned when Capital City he was in,
He also spent time in Springfield State Prison.
Of course, you know that he almost killed Homer,
For ten points, I'll ask you to name this boxer.

ANSWER : Drederick _TATUM_
They hosted at Macy's and interviewed Tap,
If Bart got no elephant, their job was a wrap.
During their show, they have a news flush - not flash,
And on Valentine's Day, they play Monster Mash.
They work, of course, on the radio,
For ten points, players, please do name this show.

ANSWER : _BILL AND MARTY_
A vigilante he did be,
At least one child is of he.
Headmaster and owner,
Viglilante and singer,
He likes sunsets - a true humdinger.
And so, dear players, if you wish to get ten,
Buzz in, take a breath, and name this captain.

ANSWER : Captain _MCALLISTER_
Apu thinks Lisa's as sweet as they are,
And, from them, Rod and Todd
Learn not to trust Bart very far,
The results in their cases are simply odd.
It sounds vaguely like it is an elfin her,
Please buzz in and name this treat full of sugar.

ANSWER : _PIXI STIX_
Quimby, Hibbert, Abe and Patty,
All of them here we do see.
It's not the museum of Air and Space,
But a slightly different place.
With Monte Carlo, Mel Zetz and old Ike,
There's a lot for a guy to like,
So I hope ten points for you works,
If you will name where our Belle lurks.

ANSWER : _MAISON DERRIERE_
It has had its problems, such as a nasty fire,
But the Carter-Nixon tunnel now has it just a had higher.
Its prize machine to Otto can be quite fair,
You know also - maybe - that Homer worked there.
For ten points now, to end this question of schlock
Name this place - primary resident, Jacques.

ANSWER : _BARNEY'S BOWL-A-RAMA_
On the ceiling thou can wend,
Though with mania or teria it does not end.
Slide down the double helix,
Or use "Let's Make A Baby" and take your licks,
A macroscope and pendlum you can use,
Or the virtual computer just peruse.
Around Mars you can also race,
For ten points, please do name this place.

ANSWER : _KNOWLEDGEUM_
For a difficult clue, here's one way to thrive,
It's what Homer calls the fun overdrive.
He used to grace the a phone book cover,
And on maps and suchlike he's one place or another.
His starring role, however, happened to occur
When his presence ended Burns' run for gov'nor.
So for ten points - which you all do wish,
Buzz in, please, and name this here fish.

ANSWER : _BLINKY_
He may have a girl who wants to be a queen,
He is married and quite the party-hearty machine.
Pennies put a worry in his dear chest,
He also owns a bulletproof vest.
So, for ten points, if you are so smart,
Name who helps Apu at our belov'd Kwik-E-Mart.

ANSWER : _SANJAY_
Bart tries it out when his medley gets stale,
But Selma and Patty consider it rather pale.
But Homer's first meeting with Marge at his house
Makes this song memorable, and hardly a louse.
So for ten points, to make a matine (mah-tee-nuh) ding dong,
Buzz in if you know it, and name this dear song.

ANSWER : _ALOUETTE_
It flashes by, but there's a game,
(BLANK) Destroyer bears his name.
Milhouse accidentally he does hit,
While spinning his mike, not caring a whit.
Bart to his casino he does bring,
An altered Jingle Bells he does sing.
And so for ten points that you will love,
Of whom exactly am I speaking of?

ANSWER : Robert _GOULET_
Look around and run amuck,
And cards collect - with some luck,
Go to the arcade and run around,
Games can be played when they are found.
It's shown in 3D and is not lame,
For ten points, please do name this game.

ANSWER : _VIRTUAL SPRINGFIELD_
Hang gliding, eat a hearty breakfast,
And do plant a tree - he has to move fast.
Tell off the boss and have a beer with the boys,
Be "intamit" with Marge - stripped of all poise.
Man to man with the boy and hear Lisa play,
Make video for Maggie - what more can I say?
To get your ten points, the above items do take
And tell me the subject of the list Homer does make.

ANSWER : _THINGS HOMER WANTS TO DO BEFORE HE DIES_ (accept equivalents)
It includes the discussion of pottery foreign,
You may have heard Tim when a battle was warrin',
If you're strapped to propellers, you can give it a whirl,
But dear Heaven help you if you are a girl.
And now from me, I'll say that ten points you can dredge
By naming the place with a tradition of heritage.

ANSWER : _ROMMELWOOD_
It's closed down now, if you want to mope,
It had a softball team as well as Bob Hope.
Skinner served some time around,
Killbots may also here be found.
I think you know the answer now,
For ten points, please name this locale.

ANSWER : _FORT SPRINGFIELD_
The titles - well they were designed by a wit,
But Florida and Utah simply won't show it.
Bart charges two quarters, as an entrepeneur,
For Milhouse and Martin to see gals they adore,
Now, for ten points, to get your game on,
On what cable channel is Broadcast Nudes on?

ANSWER : _TOP HAT_ Channel
Ask for justice and you'll see
Not Rock Bottom, but this on TV.
Barks come from a dog's snout,
And Geezers in Freezers you'll hear about.
For ten points, I want from you
The show that spelled trouble for Apu.

ANSWER : _BITE BACK_ with Kent Brockman
Purple, Ham, Memo too,
Grapefruit, Pointy, Barbecue,
Marge - and don't forget Strained Peas
Or Sixty-four Slices of American cheese.
For ten points, please tell me
What word before them will you see?

ANSWER : _MMMM_
For a quick ten points - it could be worse,
Please escape the spider's curse.

ANSWER : Respondent needs to quote a verse from the Bible. Prompt on "Simply quote a Bible verse". Accept "Thou shalt not …". Accept throwing a rock at the moderator if the moderator is in a good mood.

Bonuses

"Worst bonus ever!" I hope it's not.
But comics deserve at least one shot.
So kick, back, relax, and try to enjoy
Three questions for ten each - ooh, boy!

A) "Worst crossover ever", I do say,
For five points per answer, what two did fray?
ANSWER : _SHE HULK_; Leon _SPINKS_

B) Milhouse's girlfriend certain comics does like,
So Bart gets her which one - after a hike?
ANSWER : _DOOMED ROMANCE_

C) When Milhouse needs to use the loo
The comic he buys isn't quite new.
It's a Hamburglar, and, if I may be so humble,
What is the answer to the Jumble?
ANSWER : _FRIES_
Here's a bonus on Troy McClure
Which should not, I think, be a bore.
It's simple, really - please name for ten
The shows in which our beloved Troy was in.

A) For this, our fave actor is paid no bills,
But makes nice with Foot Locker, Beverly Hills
ANSWER : _SHOPLIFTERS BEWARE!_

B) An ex-cop with an ex-con lives,
Truly an odd couple this one is!
ANSWER : _HANDEL WITH KARE_

C) Fat parents and Chinese children featured here
Though it does not allay poor Lisa's fear.
ANSWER : _SOMEONE'S IN THE KITCHEN WITH DNA_
If getting the tossup weren't enough,
This bonus may thirty points prove.
There's a quote of love, each unfinished wields,
For each one you know, ten points it yields.

A) You're ap-pealing; (BLANK)
ANSWER : _LET'S NEVER SPLIT_

B) (BLANK), read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying: a love that will be with you always.
ANSWER : _DARLING ONE_

C) A million poets writing for a million years could try for a million years and still describe but (BLANK)
ANSWER : _THREE-EIGHTHS OF YOUR BEAUTY_
It's time, my friends, to travel around
With a car and some cash as a courier bound.
Ten a Q, it's worth a lick,
And name these places ever so quick.

A) Cape Canaveral - no, no, no,
Back to where does a family go?
ANSWER : _WINNIPEG_

B) Andy Williams - ring a ding ding,
But where, o listener, does he sing?
ANSWER : _BRANSON_, Missouri

C) At the end of the show, we see - if you care -
A request for Bart to deliver a kidney where?
ANSWER : _AMSTERDAM_
Cesspool on the Potomac didn't win,
That honor went to Trong Van Dinh.
For each of the judges you'll get five - you see,
Name the entire quintet and end with thirty.

ANSWER : Alonzo _FLOWERS_, Wilson _DEFARGE_, Brad _FLETCHER_, _ROWENA_, Chilton _GAINES_
Given the game that the Flanders play.
Name for five, ten and fifteen - oh happy day!

5 - It's the great new game that sweeping the nation,
Anaxerxes (An-uh-zurk-seez) exempted the Levites from taxation.
ANSWER : _BOMBARDMENT OF BIBLE QUESTIONS_ (prompt if not complete)

10 - Rod and Todd play this game on their CPU,
It's got Unitarians and Bah'ai - Woo Hoo!
ANSWER : _BILLY GRAHAM'S BIBLE BLASTER_

15 - When Lisa's getting born, no game is better
Lucky me - I can clothe the leper!
ANSWER : _GOOD SAMARATIN_
Now, dear players, please do name,
The requested arcade or video game.
Five each, but thirty in all
If you happen to get them all.

A) Bart has a copy, he thinks it's fun,
Against poor Homer, he's always won.
ANSWER : _SUPER SLUGFEST_

B) Bart gets money to learn karate (kah-rah-TAY),
But he plays this game that day.
ANSWER : _TOUCH OF DEATH_

C) Bart gets caught for theft, you see,
After stealing this game he saw on TV.
ANSWER : _BONESTORM_

D) Bart breaks windows, and whatnot,
Then comes a store owner, and he's shot.
ANSWER : _LARRY THE LOOTER_

E) I do pity poor Milhouse,
It cost forty quarters, and the game's a louse.
ANSWER : Kevin Costner's _WATERWORLD_
Ten points each for A, B, C,
Name these real people now R.I.P.

A) Outsmarted by Homer,
He voiced Cooter.
ANSWER : Jim _VARNEY_

B) He did not shoot Mr. Burns,
Music, not anger, in him burns.
ANSWER : Tito _PUENTE_

C) Hosted Bleeding Gums did he,
An author and prank phone-caller be.
ANSWER : Steve _ALLEN_
I don't want no high school queen,
Simpsons questions are just keen.
You get the first part of the cadence song,
Give the next for ten - let's move along.
I've got an example, I'll give it a go,
So how to get this correct you know.
First - We are happy, we are merry;
Next - We got a rhyming dictionary.

A) In English class I did the best
ANSWER : _BECAUSE I CHEATED ON THE TEST_

B) We are rubber, we are glue
ANSWER : _IT BOUNCES OFF OF US AND STICKS TO YOU_

C) I got a B in arithmetic
ANSWER : _WOULD HAVE GOT AN A BUT I WAS SICK_
In "Blood Feud", to give them a lift,
Mr. Burns buys the Simpsons a gift.
Please answer now these questions three,
And ten points each will come to thee.

A) Please name the gift - not some clod,
But rather this Olmec Indian god.
ANSWER : _XTAPOLAPOCETL_ (Eks-ta-PO-lop-oh-kettle)

B) If you, dear player, did happen to look,
Burns also gives a copy of what book?
ANSWER : a _WILL THERE EVER BE A RAINBOW?_

C) Before Mr. Xtapo, the head, was found,
Smithers and Burns had to walk around.
Please name a store to which they were bound.
ANSWER : _PLUNDERER PETE'S_, _SWEET HOME ALABAMA_, _WICKED EXCESS_, _THE BRUSHES ARE COMING, THE BRUSHES ARE COMING_, _THE TAM O'SHANTER COLLECTION_
A word is missing, you will see,
From each First Church sign I'll give thee
Give the last word, I do beseech,
And I'll give you ten points each.

A) Today's Topic: When Homer met (BLANK)
ANSWER : _SATAN_

B) God welcomes his (BLANK)
ANSWER : _VICTIMS_

C) Next Sunday: the miracle of (BLANK)
ANSWER : _SHAME_
Tis the day of this packet, and I've got some questions on college.
Name each for ten and show off your knowledge.

A) According to Ned, a friend very dear,
Heaven's a little easier to get in than here.
ANSWER : _ARIZONA STATE_ University

B) Barney can't himself from any beer tear,
But he did give a guest lecture where?
ANSWER : _VILLANOVA_ (Accept street corner - they're pretty much the same)

C) Ned, of course, is a college boy,
Name where he went and you'll get some joy.
ANSWER : _ORAL ROBERTS_ University
Canyonero!
Answer me these questions three,
Five, ten and fifteen you will see.
Canyonero! Canyonero!

5 - Unexplained fires, to earn points and fame,
Are a matter for this - please do it name

ANSWER : The _COURTS_
10 - Please do think - players, for each you'll get five,
And tell me what two animals get squished and smacked when you drive

ANSWER : _SQUIRREL_s, _DEER_

15 - Numbers, numbers - they aren't so feeble;
A Canyonero seats how many people?

ANSWER : _THIRTY-FIVE_
Fuzzy and Fluffy, those two little bunnies,
Decided to make each other lifelong honeys.
But before their marriage was consummated,
They went out and simply dated.
Name any three things that they did do,
Ten points each - all just for you.
ANSWER : Accept equivalents _WALKING IN PARK_, _ICE CREAM SOCIAL_, _BOAT SHOW_, _FIRING RANGE_, _BOWLING_
Welcome back, all my friends,
To the bonus topic that never ends.
Music is a key theme in the ebb and flow,
So I've got six questions to test what you know.
Five points each is what you'll get,
Get 'em all and you'll be with thirty set.

A) In a tank with H20,
Homer gives this tune a go
ANSWER : _WITCH DOCTOR_

B) Cobras attack Homer and Eddie,
To the sound of this fun ditty.
ANSWER : _DANGER ZONE_

C) Ned and Maude to Maggie sing,
Does this song a bell ring?
ANSWER : _I GOT YOU BABE_

D) Whacking Day, my friends, is done,
All the snakes leave to the sound of this one.
ANSWER : _BORN FREE_

E) Before the Walkman's batteries do run out,
Homer sings this - then he does pout.
ANSWER : _SUGAR SUGAR_

F) When some dope by Laddie is found,
The cops play this and gather 'round.
ANSWER : _JAMMIN'_
Simpsons, Simpsons, have you seen
What they wore for a party on Halloween?
Given a personage that I will ask,
Name the costume they wore - five per task.
For example - if I said Marge,
You'd say Cleopatra - that's writ large.

A) Homer
ANSWER : _CAESAR_

B) Bart
ANSWER : _ALEC_ (prompt on A Clockwork Orange)

C) Lisa
ANSWER : _STATUE OF LIBERTY_

D) Martin
ANSWER : _CALLIOPE_

E) Nelson
ANSWER : _PIRATE_

F) Milhouse
ANSWER : _RADIOACTIVE MAN_
There are five mediocre presidents,
You won't find their faces on dollars or on cents.
If you get two, it's for ten, three for fifteen,
You know the rest - the format's not mean.

ANSWER : Zachary _TAYLOR_, John _TYLER_, Millard _FILLMORE_, Rutherford B. _HAYES_, William Henry _HARRISON_
Mr. Burns was shot in the chest,
By whom, of course, was anyone's guess.
Until Nine Seventeen Ninety-Five,
When this episode came alive.
Three questions, each for ten,
Try to get all that you can.

A) If he shot Burns, Homer, dear players, was truly daring,
But on his TV file photo, what shirt is he seen wearing?
ANSWER : _HAIG IN '88_

B) If you recall, the shooting was all a dream,
According to this show, which a little campy did seem.
ANSWER : _SPEEDWAY SQUAD!_

C) Before Waylon tell his confession tale,
This poor villain is confined to jail.
ANSWER : _DOCTOR COLOSSUS_
Dost thou know the Wizard of Evergreen?
Ten points for each will be seen.

A) When Marge and the makeup gun met
On what setting was it set?
ANSWER : _WHORE_

B) Professor Frink was not a total pain,
What invention did he put in Homer's brain?
ANSWER : _HAMBURGER EARMUFFS_

C) For a joke, the episode gave you this
A light bulb is invented by how many geniuses?
ANSWER : _ONE_
If you want to make your nonsexual dreams come true,
Then this bonus is for you.
Given a description of each franchise store,
Name it for ten points - no less, no more.

A) The Investorettes choose this, you see,
Maybe it was the tahini
ANSWER : _FLEET-A-PITA_

B) Ooh, ooh, baby it's true,
This one's run by Disco Stu.
ANSWER : Disco Stu's _CAN'T STOP THE LEARNIN'_ Disco Academies

C) Fixing pictures money does make,
No, this one is not a fake.
ANSWER : _PICTURE PERFECT_
Baby on board,
The B-Sharps were adored,
So please don't complain.
I'm telling you it's mighty nice,
Questions you will get thrice,
With your baby on board!

A) Goodbye in the title, ding ding ding,
It's the first song that they did sing
ANSWER : _GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLAND BABY_

B) Grammy, grammy, on the wall
According to Lisa, what group did fall?
ANSWER : _DEXY'S MIDNIGHT RUNNERS_

C) Colonel Homer was not the one
Who managed this group when it as the B-Sharps begun
ANSWER : _NIGEL_
This ends the bonuses, and now you know,
You need to finish the quotes to go.
Five, ten, fifteen, they are from … oh, right!
Johnny Carson's Tonight.

5 - Gilligan, the skipper, and Chief Wiggum. Name three (BLANK)
ANSWER : _CASTAWAYS_

10 - I just heard Milli Vanni was arrested for impersonating a (BLANK)
ANSWER : _MCNUGGET_

15 - Geraldo Riviera, (BLANK), and a diseased Yak.
ANSWER : _MADONNA_

If this packet has offended,
And you thought the joke a bit extended
Laying your weary heads down in fear
As stanza and couplet did appear.
While wishing for a Simpsons theme
You felt instead a need to dream.

Please - do not reprehend
Or nasty tirades to me send.
Responsibility I'll surely duck;
I'll simply smile and pass the buck.
And blame a slip of the reader's tongue
Or that the day went on too long,
So please do not holler and squall.
And now, dear players, that is all.
Where you go now - well, that depends,
But you've survived - and this theme now ends.

Index